Remember your promise? you promise that you will never let anyone.
No one can hurt me.
You promise me.

You swear with your life.
Yet now in your eyes is her and only her.

What am I?

I seldom really blog don't I?

Not that I do not wish to blog but my hubby just don't like me to do so. Controlling right?
I still do blog in a secret blog and vent my anger, disappointment there. More of an online diary I would call it.

Ok. So reading back my blog those who don't know me will think that my life damm sad. Well it isn't so just that when I feel sad I feel like blogging but not today.

Its going to be our 2nd year anniversary soon. After what we have been through its isn't easy. Our naughty girl is 1year and 5 months now. Life is great. Quarrel as usual don't think it will change but both of us had work harder. He is now a HR executive while I am a international payroll specialist. Income wise still ok. Not that well off though. Recently in alot of debts due to housing loan. At any one point, anyone of you will also be in debt in terms of housing loan, education loan. This is the reality unless your family is rich or you married damm late or you are damm lucky that you become rich during your youth. 

So here comes update of me.

Incase, my previous post had mislead anyone of you I shall do a clear up.

We started dating during my poly days. 2007.
We gotten married during my 21st. 2011
Our little princess is born in 2012.

So all these while he is a very nice boyfriend and husband.
Literally, will do everything and anything for me (usually)
However, he had two very deadly bad points about him.
His bad temper and his stubbornness.
Once he think this way its really damm hard to change his thinking for him.
Nevertheless he love me alot.
This is really one point that since 2007 till now he did not change I can see it and feel it.

Yes he broke my heart tons of time.
He betray me once in 2009.
That was very hurtful, he did betray me many times in terms on mind? Sms or text girls or to those websites that not suppose to? Some are big and small cases
2009 became a reality. It was an one day issue. Drag for 2 months is our relationship before we got back together again.

It was not easy for me to forgive him times and times again. However, I did.
I did not forget though thus it became a scar left deep inside my heart.
He will stray when he is angry or stress.
Last caught in action was March 2013 =.=
In terms of mind not physical.
Thank god though.
However, he promised he never will again.
Hopefully and we shall see from there I guess.

Its tiring though although his terms of betray is mentally once is a while
However, hopefully it shall not happen again.
Past is past. I will not forget but I had forgive.

Recently he is so sweet that he send flowers to the office just to encourage me before I am having my appraisal. He travel from his office to surprise me for lunch just because I say I want a hug.
He will always do small little things for me. I feel loved. Really do.
At the same times he will always quarrel with me over little things.
So do I.

He tried his best to give me whatever he can. Usually he will follow my say.
Sometimes is my turn to follow him of course.

We had agree to study next year together.
My degree will be sponsor by my uncle.
Whereas his will be partially by his mum and the rest by him.

Hopefully everything can go smooth.

Will be sending my little precious to school next year.
Hopefully all will be fine. :)

I am contented!

Oh ya forgotten to mention that under encouragement of him I had started to design gowns and stuff.
It had been my dreams.
My first gown is out.
However, its not complete as I have yet to add on the accessory that I really want.
The second gown shall be out by mid November.
Designing gown and getting seamstress to make them is a very expensive investment.
However, I am really happy to be able to do them.
That is thanks to my hubby for supporting and encouraging me. <3 p="">

These 2 months have been crazy over Itacho Sushi!

Roasted Squid Leg
Roasted Salmon
Roasted Scallop
Baked Stuff Crab

OMG! Well price wise pretty expensive compare to usual restaurant I dine. One pax if your are price cautious about $20-$40?

The only thing nice is their freshness! You will be so crazy over it. The sushi taste totally different as compare to Ichiban, Sake & others.

You may like to give a try? Dohby Ghuat / Ion/ Bugis Junction / Jcube

Totally love it.

Note: You need to queue and their manpower is always not enough for huge crowds.
          Don't go if you are not prepare to queue.
          Don't go if you are not able compromise service for food.

Hmm... pretty amazing. its been 8 months since the day said "I DO". How's life? Great ? Not so having a kid make u smile and scratch your head at times. My relationship? I guess it became stagnant. I do think that I had enough but just don't have the courage to end whats more I had a kid now.

Its tiring very tiring for someone who don't understand you. who will no longer coax you and never see his own fault. Physical & mentally I am tired out. Too tired and stress for anything to be mention.

Sometimes, or rather honestly most of the time putting down my dignity trying to speak to him, to coax him to let things call despite its not my fault. Worst of all he don't buy it and insist is your fault. No matter is you started it or him, the ending will ALWAYS be your fault. Asking myself how long do I have to tolerate this? Honestly no ending. As long as I am still Mrs Lim. How long can I tolerate this? Well the answer is uncertain. As I get older more mature, I guess I can no longer tolerate it anymore. Is no longer a no him can die. Age makes one person grow or rather time. Not that love is not there but I feel that I am giving in all the time in terms of quarrel. I feel the way he care for me is no longer like the past. I really fucking feel like give up. walkout of the bloody house and went MIA. Not as I can't survive alone but I can because I can work and earn money!

But it became different as I have a kid. Someone who I can't abandon because eventually regardless of what reason I choose to give birth to her. Regret? Yes and No. I have that gut feeling eventually I will not be Mrs Lim. Why? though I am soft hearted but maybe if I can't do this anymore I will not turn back? When one day he is tired, his stubborness will insist an end to it.. what if history repeat. Aha.. cfm end.. LOL...

blog again later bahx.. he come in liao... dun like me blogging.

终于过了五年，在一起的五年，似乎把我们的青春给磨光了。
虽然事已过三年可是我想我从来未曾放下放开。听你描述当天的情形我泪不知不觉的往下流。但心痛的感觉已不像从前。心已麻木了。失去了知觉。我对你说虽然已是夫妻。虽然事隔三年，但对你的爱已不像从前。已经是淡淡的没感觉。放不下是习惯，和那段从前。
我以为早上醒了你忘了。你对我说：‘我会重新追回你！’ 但其实我想告诉你。已经 没有用了。过了这么久心真的慢慢的死了。说真的我也告诉你了。我后悔回到你身边。我以为我够勇敢可以把一切当成一场噩梦但其实我办不到。现在的我没想要退缩，只是当初的怦然心跳已没有了。
我也想找回当初的心动但这一世已经没有可能了。
可能当初我根本不应该给机会开始，那我也不会体会到背叛的痛苦。
你可能有天大的理由。但我只能说你当初的意气用事毁了我们的感情。
现在我对你的爱已不像从前。

What is inside this marriage?
Honestly I don't know.
I don't felt the usual happy me.
Rest assured I am not having depression after birth, I seems to see things more clearly after we have gotten married. I begain to feel everything doesn't seems so important.
Everything can be let go.
Including you.
Maybe for me marriage is the doom of our love. Or at least mine.
I no longer can tolerate nonsense. No longer can tolerate hurtful words.
I felt I should or can be better alone.
Every single time shall we quarrel bound to be me that you think stir things up.
When it is bloody fucking your fault but you just have a way to bluff to cheat and turn out to be me again.
I am tired of this five years almost? I thought it should be enough.
I need to rest. Need to get out of your side and be somewhere else. Learn new things see new things to make myself feel better.
You may think you have been a wonderful husband.
Maybe, but in a selfish way.
Your way, not really for me.
FYI working is not for me.
Studying is not for me.
Is something that benefit you only.
I am tired.
Seriously.
Just waiting for time to allow me to escape.
Escape from you.
I don't know eventually how things would turn out.
But I need to take a breathe somewhere else.
Maybe I am just too use to your presence.
I need to stay strong and find who I am back.
I don't live for you.
I live for myself.
So do you.

I am tired. Fucking tired. Yes indeed after labour I am more depressed or rather mood swing. Easily agitated.
But seriously, don't fucking give me that bloody excuse that because I am have mood swing now so quarrel with. FUCK YOU. A GIRL TREAT U DRINK BUBBLE TEA IS NOTHING? A group of girl get your number open a fucking chat. BUT NONE TALKING ABOUT PROJECT IS NOTHING? YOU FUCKING REPLY THEM ALTHOUGH IS OUT OF POLITENESS DURING MY LABOUR IS FUCKING NOTHING? YA RIGHT! NOTHING FUCK YOU AND FUCK OFF. Trust me be it true due mood swing or what which is not cause is not morally right u can reject u can fucking don't reply. So don't give me crap. I am fucking not to care about you anymore. seriously no longer. even you shed a tear again is of no use le. really. I made my decision because you are seriously disappointing. When you say your hp only will reply them about project others will ignore. Say it then do it. Don't say le never do. SORRY ALSO NO USE NOT FOR LABOUR! FUCKING WHEN I AM IN PAIN U HAVE THE FUCKING MOOD TO REPLY AND USE YOUR COMPANY PHONE. YES CHECK COMPNAY GOT TEXT YOU IS NOTHING WRONG BUT GO FUCKING SEE OTHER PEOPLE MSG YOU PLUS FUCKING GO REPLY! EVERYTHING IS SO WRONG. SO LIM MA DON FUCK OFF FROM MY BLOODY LIFE... I REALLY DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE. FROM THIS MOMENT ONWARDS I WON'T BE TOUCH FOR WHATEVER YOU DO. I won't ask you to do anything for me. Everything I do my own. I pain I die also won't be your problem. Your relationship to me now. Is you are just the father of my daughter thats all. really thats all. I am tired.

Well though after a post of saddness and grumble I forgot to post how my valentines is as husband and wife.

We went marina barrage for picnic and kite flying.  For the first time after 4years plus we fly kite and it went so high in the sky flying. Will say is really romantic and been so long since we have double dates. And those food you bought for me? I will say you put in effort. To have japanese food + heart shape pizza.
Though is a double date but is still very nice. The venue, the idea and the atmosphere.
We still have our time together.

Will say been together for so long, its the only valentine that really make me happy and feel different or rather that is romantic :P

Somtimes I feel that there is a distance between us. Seems to be harder and harder to communicate with each other. Message I want to say cannot be deliver to you. Pretty tiring. Really tiring. When I want to avoid quarreling to you its seems wrong also. But when you want to avoid quarreling and walk away or keep quiet. Is always right. =.=

Now the only thing is to wait for my baby little girl to be born. Somehow or rather recently mood been pretty down but you didn't notice.

我对你真的彻彻底底的死心了。我等你回来跟我道歉。但你却没提。
可能已到尽头了。
这两个月我都以泪洗脸。
真的够了。
我已不是我。

I don't know if I am happy. I don't feel the difference even though I am married. I am tired of waiting and thinking. I am tired of guessing. I can't fully express myself let him know how I feel as it always only will lead to quarrel. I know he is busy these two weeks. However, the loneliness is unbearable. He should at least do something about it. He should at least try to text me or call me. But he didn't. My call to him seems like a bother. Often using irritated tone to answer my call and hoping to end it quickly. I am so tired and exhausted by this marriage but nothing I can do. I regretted by not stopping it. By being so fragile every single time. I know the ending from the start but being stubborn and naive thought there would be a fairy tale. The ending will just be like any other.

1 week to my birthday exact. 22 this year. I bet he had prepare nothing for me. Using no budget as an excuse. Using busy as an excuse. I feel so weak and tired.
Heart feel like stopping.
One day maybe, my heart will stop beating for you...

2011年圣诞夜前夕。

我发觉就算做了夫妻，还是跟以前一样；无法沟通。

但现在不一样。不是说想放就能放。
一段明知不会有将来的婚姻。我还是走进去了。

我不知道是否会幸福。但此时此刻的我只感觉痛苦。

有苦说不出。不能吵架。不能说。这就是我将来的人生。

但却不是我想要的。
我不在意吵架。只希望能把心生说出来。。。

2011 年 12月 3日。。。

我结婚了。在接近年尾的时候，我和他终于步入了红地毯。
婚礼不是很华丽。简简单单。但是那天，我感到很幸福。
我所有的好朋友都抽空到来为我们祝福。
虽然还是有点不敢相信我已经是林太太。
但是有着幸福的感觉。

今天的你已今非昔比。。。不在是哪温柔多情的你。。。不再是含情绵绵的你。。。已不再是哪当初追我的那个你。。。人生短短几十年。。。能从相识到相知已是天定的缘分。。。 但人往往有缘无分。。。我你两人从相识到相知的种种过程中经历了多番波折。。。 坚持是因固执还是为了情。。。情根不断理还乱。。。我俩从未试过分道扬镳，走阳关道以过独木桥。。。盼长相厮守。。。

1) Ng Wee Chun - 1998 - 2007

Well we went Yangtze cinema today...

It is quite an achievement for us to come so far. Unknowingly, and we didn't notice we have been through thick and thin for 4years together. From time to time we quarrel almost anything under the sun. From time to time we hurt each other so much that we thought of giving up. Never once we did as either one of us will hold the other tight enough and not to let go. I love you my dear <3

Went to rent the movie disc once I found out that the manga had actually been film. However, movie ends with a sad ending different from the manga. I cry since the start of the movie till the end.

Well... I am pretty self love... always like to take self pic so I bought a CANON EOS60D... Thinking it maybe better to take high quality pictures. Yet I am not contented. As I want to buy a polariod camera. So i guess I will be buying instax 210 wide. as the picture is wider.. though casing not nice... but hehe nvm...

On 28 June 2011 just that I though it was a normal day or a good day rather where I get my pay where I can meet up a old friend. Till the call came and broke my dreams. The person whom I thought we can finally meet up after 4months commit suicide. She was an elder of mine. A cheerful and strong lady who never fail to give guidance and tolerance yet have her own stand. I was shock, devastate and angry. I couldn't bring myself to believe this news was true. I couldn't imagine that she had left before we met. Perhaps, the ending maybe different if I were to call her to confirm the appointment rather than wadsapp assume that she will be sleeping at 8am. There are too many perhaps in this world and once chance is slipped off it wouldn't come back. She is there when the working environment is fearful, she is there when I am in trouble and needed some help. She is there when I am bored and needed someone to talk to. However, now she is no longer there. Probably went to somewhere far that I will not be able to see.

Recently I am having heavy manga crave back again. Lol.. So I decide to recommend those that I have read to people who love manga. For me I am into those love manga.. So maybe not so suitbale for guys? Hahaha... K

I will start those that I posses first.

kiss·绝交·kiss by Yoshiko Fujiwara, 10 volume:
I think this is my first book If I remember correctly. Sweet love talking about a couple who fall for each other during primary school days. During primary 5 the guy initiate and kiss the gal and since then they had never speak to each other. Sweet story however only recommend for those who really into love stories. As at the back abit draggy.

太阳王子 2 volume：Basically a very rich girl went to a place for holiday and there she lost her way back. She met a guy who actually wanted to con her for donation, due certain reason they stay together for one night and the love spark off.
从小到大都收到保护的韆金大小姐裏子，在脩学旅行来到大阪，因迷路而与闪亮燿眼的街头小子太阳邂逅…在两人一起度过一天之后，裏子因父亲的命令而得先囬东京，此时裏子髮现暸自己对太阳竟有暸怦然心动的感觉…

第一恋人 / 初恋 First Love 10 volume:
男生是不勝其煩的選擇了女子高中，而女生卻為了女生的鎖事繁忙。花梨平平淡淡的過著她的高中生活。但在通學的巴士上，卻以最糟的形式邂逅了桐矢。她根本不 想再見到桐矢，卻又成了集體約會的一員。激怒的花梨，一口氣喝下一杯酒後就倒地。等她醒來卻是在桐矢的房間裡！？

Kinda tired le.. so recommend a few first :) 1 month recommend 3 bah... Hehe

爱情应该就是把祝福送上，然后独自的默默流泪，感受伤悲。

today is the first day trying out as wedding planner assistant. Sooo tiring.. run around.. worst thing is you got to stand and cannot sit :( as you are infront of the guest even though you got nothing to do. But it was really! I learn how to tie chairs :P those ribbon. Some basic knowledge? I never felt it was so good about working even though you are tired. But this is my 1st job. Hopefully everything goes well. 1st time I am looking forward to work! To go to company and take call and inquiry. Supposedly interest and passion is very important. And sorry hor not v. high pay job ok... at not now.. 600 basic nia... and of cox gt bonus.. bt 1st time i am looking forward to work rather then my pay!!! ^^ heex..... of cox pay is very important... hopefully i work hard enough to earn enough :)

Ehtono.. I just quit my job.. with quite a high pay.. :( heart pain... but no choice was force to leave... somehow by circumstances... was being offer a job with higher pay $2.5k but i turn it down... because is not something that I like.

Went through 2 interview that I really want to consider.

5footwayinn- new backpacker hostel coming up. Alot of involvement. But also way much more things needed to do... good part I can input all my ideas and discuss. Bad part not so flexible as compare to the latter. Only able to know if shortlisted in approx. 2 weeks time. pay reasonable and acceptable. good chance on leading something like managing own company. approx 1.6k

trulyharmony- true real wedding planner company. Really what I want flexible but you will not know where you can go. Not able to foresee the future as it affect my salary. Basic is damm pathetic $600 =.= but got bonus.. it depends on how the company is doing and how I can perform. but the main point is I like it... but towards pay wise very unpredictable which just afraid I may not have enough to survive and cox a burden to my boi...

wedding mansion- something similar but a bigger company.. only headache is yet to go for an interview. Waiting....

So haix.. really dunno which to chose... but at least all 3 is doing things that I like....

But either the inn or the wedding.. if I start on it.. I will make sure I put in effort and it grow big...

ha..
hihi..
well i had a bad habit bahx... whenever i am sad i like to write diary/blog/somewhere.. so yuppp... u guess it correctly.. ta da.. i am sad again... why? same old reason.. love... and same old guy for the past 3yrs +... him...

this time round fifff.... i am not writing when he is not around... he is just sitting beside me... less than 30cm away... but i felt tt is more than 300000000miles away...

i have found out long ago... our world and thinking is so different.. our gap is getting wider and wider... recently... our love seems to be fading...
at least i feel so... my love for him wasn't as before... because of all his action and words... i begain to wonder holding this rs is both of us or just me?

words tt came out from his mouth is never about me except fault and mistakes...
i am tired.. so tired and heart break... tt very day i tried to hint him how i felt by saying everything when he is sleeping and i knew he was only pretending... but he did not reflect at all... is still all about my fault again...

today... by just not quarreling i ask him not to talk... and he give me hell lot of attitude... in the end only words tt hurt me deeply.. i hug him trying to speak normally and i did.. when actually every sentence i say...make my tears flow...

maybe its coming to an end... i always never listen.. to others to him or even my heart.... actually i know... is better to let go... one fine day.. if he still feel for me... he will look for me... but apparently i dunno if to do so .. we will feel better... or rather? shld i admit... i scare tt he will not feel tt i am impt anymore when he is alone.. doing everything he can...

i am not suitable for him or anyone else seriously...
i need to be alone... love seems to be so hurtful...
i have an invisible wall tt i build to protect myself since young... is you ask me to break the wall make an entrance for you to enter... you say you will become my wall... protect me from all hurt and injury... you entered... but never do wat u said and promised... u came in and messed up my world... making me hurt than b4...
u ask me to give a chance.. to know wad love is... to chose to be love than to love... bt in the end... the ending is the same......
being love... is only temporary... nv permanent... becox is something tt is not within ur own control.. to love... u can control... so the hurt is minimize....

4yrs.... if one day.... i were to write our story in a book... you will know... how much how much... u hav owe me... my feelings....

one little gal frm far far land.... she nv get to be love by anyone till this little boy from the fairyland told her tt she is the one he love... she believe and began her fairytale till the end it was not the same... there isnt happily ever after except tears tt never stop flowing

using iphone to blog yr 2011... my first post. thought that its a good start. however it doesn't. currently dinner time. usually its my sleeping time. but today nope. crying in my heart. some tears flow
out of my eyes. I'm puzzled. Unsure on what I should do. You know? The relationship peak or romantic or understanding period seems to have end. Many or myself think that this relationship was ruin by me in the first place and blah blah... but none know that or see
that. I have change. I am tired. extremely
tired. i learn not to speak when i am
angry. but i am wrong. its giving attitude. i learn to keep
quiet and cry inside. i am wrong. because i never share with him and not being myself. i try to
be myself. thrash out everything. i am wrong. i am trying to
pick a fight. i try to just say out and coax him after that. i am wrong if i want
to be myself i giving attitude. if i want to give attitude then i shouldn't talk to him and shall face the consequences. i don't want
to work together. i am wrong i didnt think sbout our relationship or him first. i want
to work together. i am wrong. see me equal stress when it was not
even my fault ir was about our relationship and not work. i am angry over things he done.
i shouldn't. i am wrong i cant be angry over him. i want to end
our relationship. i am wrong it prove that i dont want him or love him. i want
to go out. i am wrong i should have be contented and stay with him. i want
spend meaningful weekend together by dating rather than sleeping. i am wrong. o should
stay together with him at home so wont waste
money and still together with him. hundreds
of thousand more that i am wrong and even worst of i change. can anyone then tell me? what to do is correct? i feel like crying and dying.
dear don. do you know how miserable i felt? i try to be better and do as
you say. but i am always wrong. in all things you dont like i wont have any say. as it only lead
to me listening nasty words from you. i am tired. tired of u threatening of breakup. tired of u telling me u quit because i
stress u. or if i dont this dont that. u never
know how i actually felt. it only seems that i am always
wrong to u. u start only to think for urself. even when my tearsdrop because i am sad its a sin. act cute to get ur liking is disgusting... i cant be myself when i am with u now. thousand of times i have to bite my teeth to stop myself from crying and act that i am
not angry or sad to stop crying. when i am angry is my fault. what am i to you? i dont know what to do. i love you but i felt so miserable being treated in this way. how much do u understand me? or how much do u want from me?

my heart will be dead if this relationship end. it will bleed to death if this going to continue. both way is dead. i prefer the latter because i love you want to be with you. but you will never understand........ its totally numb now

Well,
Almost all I guess? All the boys I know are currently already in NS.
I have finish my dear army days with him. Its tough lot of rules and regulation lots of physical work and mental stress given. Now so many went.
And I really feel that all of us have grown up.

Hitting my 21st symbolize that the rest will follow as an adult soon. No longer we can run around like monkey. Play catching. Pulling hair. and all sort of nonsense and childish things we can do.

Sincerely hope they will be able to struggle through at the same time maintain their persistence of not mixing with the bad company. :) Espexially those that are single. Army life is harder to go through without someone supporting beside you.

Gilbert, Wee Chun, Shawn, Guang Sheng, Weiliang and all others. Gambatte ne!!!

well its really confuse for. ytd i saw the conversation between dar and her agian. really dnno why should him text him after so long? he say she is blah blah then wad for? trying to get something out from there again. It doesnt seems nice but he doesnt seems to understand. well at least he admit. and say he have noone to speak to so think of her then msg her. told him i dont like he say will stop doing it but how true? I don't know. somehow i feel like really travelling to overseas so I don't need to continue this rs anymore. because is really tiring guessing and worrying. what for? is that true love? Neh... and will never be... love is trust but somehow I can no longer do so. There are so many things out in this world I wanna do wanna try but because of family because of him I can't.

I begain to wonder. What do I live for? For others or for me? I really don't know. Can anyone tell me?

I felt miserable living. I cant seems to see my goal. my aim. my deam. I am one that have tons of dreams inside. Tons of things that from young I have told myself I will do. But I can't.

God or anyone can someone tell me. What the reason I am being born to this world? I am not stupid. I dare to say I am smart but lazy. But. with my smartness but restriction what can I do?

all along. since young. till now. I only want to live a simple carefree life. But it seems more and more difficult. things come and I can't avoid. No one can really know how I really felt all along. I laugh, I smile not because I am happy. But is because I don't want people around me to be unhappy thats all. but how many actually really sit down and care what I felt?

I felt tired. Really tired. Love. may I know what is it? When I thought I could trust again. TIMES AND TIMES AGAIN THINGS APPEAR AND MAKE ME CAN'T! I am very fragile you know????!!! I appear to be strong to be fierce to protect myself because I have no choice! I am born in a family that is very complicated. And times am always left alone. Because of my size. since young people always bully me. that why my wall was built up. You break it. ensure me that y ou will protect me from fear and tear. But you didn't. You just give me more than what I have.

You know I am so fucking stress???? Does anyone know?Fucking why why and why. why should i have all these crap? and I a very very bad girl in the past so this life I am born to suffer? If one day I really went insane. I am going to let go everything I have and be a volunteer go around the world to help people. Don't need care and listen nonsense ever again.

I felt so miserable... So wrong... Once bitten twice shy... I didn't learn it... I am sorry... So sorry... Feeling damm sick... I wanna fly far far away... far far away and rest... I wanna fly far far far away dont want stay in this damm fucking place anymore... :(

People grow and change.

You can't expect someone to stick to something forever if change is for the sake of good. Dar told me today. I have been keep changing. The way I think has always been different. I felt guilty but I can't help it. I can no longer be naive. Because I no longer have the time to. Time is really precious to live in this life. Ambition is one thing a life is another thing. If ambitios is the road that I have chosen I would have took up designing after my O'lvl. Money is the thing that is important to me. I don't mind to work happily with something that I like and earn only 2k plus forever when outside can give me 5k plus. But I can't do something I like and earn only 1k plus when outside is 2k plus. My career determine how am I going to live. And I know how I want to. Bt it seems so difficult for me really to just follow you and give in for you anymore.

You only live once not twice. And I really don't want to regret. But I seriously don't how to tell you nicely what I want to do. And I want to do it in my own way. One have to striv eto success. In order to do that, alot alot of things needed to be taken into consideration not just money not just passion. Is about your life.

I am not asking for a luxury life. Even if I am I will be doing it myself. I am asking for a comfortable life. In my 20s and forever. Not when I am old. When I am old what can I do?
but I don't know how to tell you. You don't understand not at all.

Maybe its really true that we should split. Because our mindset is way too different. If I can be straight forward towards you and ignore your feeling. In terms of life you are a failure. You know what you want. But you don't know how can maximize it. You always prefer the easier way out but I don't. I am very realistic. Very straight forward. Money makes the world go round and thats the reason why I work for. I WORK FOR MONEY. Don't you? If not why shall we work? Can always stay at home shake leg, play, eat & sleep. Because this world you need money to survive. Relationship can don't talk about money. But career cannot.

I don't know how to make you understand.

I want to live a life from now onwards that I don't need to worry about bill. I want to live a life that I don't need to scrap and save. I want to live a life that I can go travel to different destination not when I win lotterry or Toto. I want to live a life where it is just enough for me to save, to eat, to play, to travel and to married. WITHOUT taking any RISK.

You know its been so hard for me? I don't study for nothing you know? I have my own aim. I am not stupid or dumb enough to make money for others but not for me you know? In future. In future. What matter most is NOW. The PRESENT. If you can't earn enough to survive now. In future when you earn is another matter when you don't you will regret. I REGRET ONCE IN MY LIFE. I don't want to make it a second time. I have never ever regret for job. I know whats the best for me. sinc eI am young I go part time. Because I know I understand I can earn and spent at the same time and earn exp. Poly time I teach tution. Because I know its the easiest way to earn alot of money at my age while studying without working for long hours or hard work.

I may seems dumb. But I know what I want to do in my life. My ideas maybe keep changing. But I change it to suit the life I want.

But I don't how to tell you without affecting our Relationship. It seems that what I said did not get into you. And you associate everything together with our relationship. Even work matters.

You know I felt Miserable? Do you actually know?

Fuck you... Fuck off!!! KNN who the fuck you think you are? malaysia visa.. 23buck... nia... ccb wad the fuck u wan? i go by procedure wad.... shout shout shout ... KNNB!!! so zai... dun come la... dun come singapore... pollute our air... KNNB!! u heng i working!!!!! if not i cfm shoot u gao gao...

pissed off.. haix sometimes just cant stand some customer... but tts not the case only... my bf... fuck off oso... he knw i dun lyk... he knw i really dun lyk but so? he nv side me.. nv help... den forget it la...

sometimes i am tired...
really tired...
but so?
any1 know?
any1 care?
I dun wan le... dun wan tgt....
i wan go tioman....
i wan go maldives...
i wan go taiwan...
i wan go hongkong....
I WAN GO ALONE!
i dun care if nobody allow...
i dun care anything...
I have my own right..
I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE FOR YOU GUYZ!!!
I WANNA LIVE FOR MYSELF AND YUP!
THATS ALL!!!!

The new me..

I promise I will live better than before

Haix...

Really don't know, I dont seems to know what I want to do anymore.. Well probably will be switching job if my current company have no news for my future position in anytime soon. Well, Going to where leh? Travel consultant? :P haha if my teacher application fail lah... cox till now no news yet... Travel consultant have high basic pay wor... still got commission... so i supposed will be quite good bahx? :)))

hmm.. Gong Gong just passed away on thursday night... Actually already predicted... But well... was still sad... had a 5 days funeral... gong gong chose to be sea buried.... Everyone of us, all his children and grandchildren gather together to show our filial to him and accompany him for the past 5 days.... Was very very sad when we brought him back to his own house, to cremation and etc... all the while due to his illness he was suffering... In fact all of us hope that he can die faster then. Not that we are unfilial.. but we saw how he was suffering... so we know how he was feeling, could'nt eat and wounds all over his body... actually i am not close to gong gong at all... very bad impression of him cox he wasnt really kind to me.. always beat me up or give me attitude when i was young... however, what pass has pass.... those years being together with him... was a memory that i will never forget... His smile and the way he laugh.... When I get annoyed of him keep callign my names asking for "balek luma" going back to the room, or having drinks.. but well.... I still miss him.... Afterall he is my grandpa.... my dad side, my grandpa passed away when I was/ before i was born..... So he is the only one giving me the feeling of what a grandpa is really like..... he is fierce but yet caring.... he is a sincere followist towards buddha and will pray everyday... He is great in cooking infact he is a chef............ All these memories will always be kept in my heart... Gong gong bai jin was distributed equally to all his children and grandchildren.. this was my second uncle decision.... Well I actually admire my 2nd uncle alot... All the while he is the one supporting my grandpa medical and daily expenses... as other relative are unable to do so... 6 years he have been paying more then 2k just for my grandpa.. and when my family in needs, our electric bill when it hits too high he will always help us to pay, grandma medical expenses, our school expenses, funeral expenses.... actually by right all the bai jin should give to him.....

However, he chose to share with everyone of us.... He is never selfish and actually has always been taking care of our family very well.... So I look up to him alot... actually not only me... my whole family.... including the relative they saw that he did alot.... maybe if not for him.... my family will be in more debts, my grandpa will go earlier due to no money for medication bah?

anyway uncle want me to go for slimmign cox he say i tooooo fat liao... must look good eventhough i have boyfriend.. cox boyfriend doesnt mean will last long... I know he dote on me and my sister alot... so well he say he will helped me pay.. but i must promise him will not grow fat again.. so yap.. maybe trying out maria france :))) dunno yet :)))

today is dardar daddy bday... oso "her" bday... well went to read up her blog............ and feel that probably all the while she has been lying............ dunno i am sooooooooooooo confuse.............. i dunnp why is it so difficult for me to let those unhappy memories go... i dunno..... i really dunno.......... i dun wan a bad relationship end up like anyone........... i want a good one...........
one that will last.................... I am scared and unsecure......... i know he have been trying his best to let me feel assure but i don't know............ i really don't know what can I do......... i scared history will repeat.............. i feel so cold towards relationship......... not heart dead........ but there is no longer trust bahx???????????? though i might have change to be better.............. but my own thinking and belief towards relationship will never change..........

I dont know what i should do.......... if i still cannot get over after sometimes he say he let me go for phsycology session to forget those unhappy memories......... but i guess i will forget him bahx?
He say nvm......... cox he will court me all over again........ but i told him.. maybe the second time i wont chose him anymore.......... i will chose other pple how? he say nvm, cox he will use same technique and attack my weakness again.. =.= LOL.... but well he said he will court me all over again and will never hurt me anymore.......... if he do.......... he will go die........... cox second time still hurt me.. den really should go die le............

haix...........
I dunno.....................
I am soooo confused and upset :((((((((((((((((((((((((

Finally Finally my exam studies and everything finish liao... but well not holidays for me.. neither am i resting... :((( keep working and working non-stop.. getting v.v.v.v little pay.... well or would i say part time pay..

someone ask me that day.. whats my highest education ? sec 4? I was like hell no.. I AM A DIP. GRAD OK =.= in BANKING AND FINANCIAL SERVICES SOMEMORE LEH=.= den he say.. work lanshop need qualification? i say well nope... this my temp job.. so why i am here? i believe that my boss say he will give me better prospect to manage and try out my capabilities.. now trying everything starting from scratch to know and to work....

so i think and i believe.. like what my boss promise... i will get what i should get in 1-2 months time.. or else.. as simple as always change another job and go be my teacher ^^

well.. now damm fucking tired... but at lanshop.. haix....... dunno wad to say no mood... i miss my bed.. well though i have a few days off due to fall sick.. but i still yet to rest... :((( keep doing work stuff.. haix........... can i lyk go for vacation? i hope so.. now i need $$$ and is alot of $$$ :(((((

i am a little too tired ..........

a little too exhuasted.......

a little too devasted........

I suppose everyone will grow old someday...

will be mature someday....

is just a matter of time...

when all these will happen.......

I suppose i had changed alot....

my own set of thinking ...

my own set of temper.........

somehow or rather...

i learn to pt myself in other people shoe.......

i learn how to tolerate........

i learn how to give and take.....

not to be stingy and calculative over small matter.......

off course... i am still aggressive, protective, and fierce...

yet... i am friendly, outgoing and approachable...

remember when i was young prefect...

during the secondary school times...

my students also told me that i am a chameleon or two faced.......

i can be very friendly.. joke and play with them.... even let them bully...

but when i start my duty..

put my tie...

i am totally a changed person.........

graduating in a month time...

however.....

i still don't really know what i want to do....

well... when i was young i told myself........

i must graduate in university so that i will not let my parents down.......

however, as i chose the path of polytechnic....

i have give up in going university.......

being a chinese teacher is a path that i think i am suitable for........

however, i am not aware whether am i able to succeed...

well.... now my path seems to be in the lanshop.......

being an assistant/manager of the shop.....

i wonder how is the pay like.. i wonder how would the prospect be........

probably.....

somehow or another......

i would..........

open my own empire?

if i work hard enough.............

day by day
month by month
year by year

what has gone had gone....

never change...

never ever.....

always and forever....

disappoint is lyk a routine...

somehow or rather it will always be there.....

i am tired seriously...

myraid of times...

my heart is prompting me.....

shouldn't you end it girl?

what did you see?

greyish and blur i would answer........

recently i feel more lonely than i thought...

more sad than i thought...

i think of things more and more.......

i am tired really...

just don't know how to get myself out of it...

couldn't bear to...

at the same time we are not mean too...

sometimes things had come to an end......

why i am holding on?

when i am actually sad and insecure..............

have you ever thought of me?

maybe....

but you are always selfish...

as you always come first....

i juz wan some peace and time to prove to myself...

whether this RS is really what I want or what i can have?

juz feeling miserable...

and blur.......

it wasn't long.... neither was is short...... we have been together for 2& a half year le.........
its been kinda long route worx....... in the past...we been through so much so much......
bully each other everyday..
take each other forgranted...
hurting each other.......
whispering sweet nothing to each other......
cuddling each other......
kissing........

well we share both laughter and sorrow...

from a r/s that none think will last...
we prove that our love is strong enough to go through everything......

i lost myself in this r/s......
becox of u....
and u too....

myraid of times........
we thought that our r/s will come to an end...
but will no matter how worst the matter is...
one of us will never bear to let go.........

hitting my 20 this year...
I found that I grow old le...
no longer the kid I use to be.....
no longer the little girl.....
stepping into adulthood soon...
into the real society...
no weechun...
no gilbert...
no anyone that will be there to guide me in my life..
help me...
and say "don't think too much la"
But only you .... the only one that will always be there for me..
the rest of my life......
holding my hand and say " don't worry ok? you have me."

probably i would say i have the found the one to spent with the rest of my life bahx....
"chang xiang si shou"

love you baby :)

sometimes.. i really dunno how to communicate with u.......... I need ur coax and care more than u think.... thus whenever i am angry.. i snot easy to let me cool down.. but well :X at least easier than u... u are really stubborn... worst than a bull.. so when times i wanna be erm... nicer to u.... but u kp on stubborn den i will lose control........

how i hope.......... we are from the same planet........ bt it seems lyk 1 from venus ... 1 from mars :(

ytd we spend our whole day tgt with my 2nd uncle... well it was really an enjoying day.. so what we did? ^^



we went to ION canton-i again for our lunch + breakfast :X Well we have dim sum and some stir fry dishes.. my comment would be as good as previous ^^ the dim sum i give it 5/5... ^^ but the stir fry dishes... so so only... but well overall was very gd... DAMMMMMMMMM FULL:X

den i manage to pursuade my uncle to watch 2 movie... 1 is bodyguard and assasin.... followby AVATAR~~

bodyguard and assasin was all about fighting and revolution... how pple sacrifice.. is really sad... i hate war... if this world forever will be peaceful and without war how wonderful it will be wor...
war bring nothing but just the commoners suffer.. well the kungfu and all tt was nice.. bt fighting scene to me is scary...

well.. den we have an hr break... and we went for pool~~~ lalala hahaha.. tt time both of my uncle trash deardear.. this time rnd my this uncle still thrash him bt not so jialat... as for me.. i not bad wor.. haha skills got improve abit ^^ got win ok ^^

well after pool we went for movie: AVATAR!! wah... is lyk dammmm nice sia.... really lyk it.. the animation the story and everything i lyk the animation part... about the life of nature and everything really damm nice.. thumbs UP!!!! 10/10!!!! ^^

after tt head home and slp lo.. well is a really nice day ^^ i lyk my weekends at least this time rnd i spend them meaningfully...

now siting at school library.. supposingly to find nail palace outlets for my project however i couldn't find... suddenly i heard my most familiar piano piece. Canon in D.
I think it has been kinda long since i last heard people playing just pure musical instruments. Kinda miss the feeling. oh ya haha is a guy that play the song ^^ :X bt never go and notice much cox i just wanna see who is it that playing....

just finish my test.. well cfm flung.. cant blame anyone but myself for not studying harder......

my 2yrs 5months anniversary had just pass :) not long ago about 1 day plus?? well we went to watch couple retreat and 2012.. both very nice movie :) learn alot from there too.. well i was kinda happy? hah.. received a stalk a pink rose and a small bouqet of fake redrose with a pink bear on top of it :) deardear give me alittle surprise when i was having lunch with him at TCC... when it comes to our desert, the waitress actually pass me the bouqet ^^ kinda nice of him thx boy :-* love you always

well i am also just back from my 5days 4night bangkok trip :) bought alot of things but mostly dear's.... cox buy alot of his CNY clothes ^^ well never get to buy enough cox not enough $$ :( but well spend alot =.= $700+? OMG.. my graduation trip to thailand or hongkong will be more jialat i guess? nevertheless i enjoy alot.. but HOR!!
my first night at the stupid hotel vaboir lodge =.= u all knw midnight 2am come keep knocking on my door... i tried to ignore cox i scared is ghost.. IN THE END IS STUPID HOTEL STAFF SELLING WINE=.= wth.. whr gt lyk tt de... ^&%&*%^ lucky stay there 1 night nia.. the next day we switch hotel to the ECOTEL.... which was much much better...

oh ya!! i manage to eat A&W during my last day in bangkok.. well all along from young wanted to eat A&W but never had a chance.. when i wanted to eat A&W foldup le... so well the food wasw kinda nice ^^ :)

LOL... HURRAY~~~ finally reach THAILAND~~
nearly cannot board lo =.= was damm late.. the flight rule is 40 mins before flight.. i check in 30 minutes before flight. The counter staff nearly dont let me in...
Heng sia~~~ if not the airfare JIALAT ARH~~
anyway juz reach my hotel... ^^
soo hungry.. damm eat something liao.. now watch some online drama den go to sleep~
tomorrow will be the start of my shopping journey~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ^^

roughly bout 3 more days then can see dear dear le... well seriously kind amiss him alot.. especially recently.. dunno y la... bt well just miss him...

always dunno why... we will always end up quarreling.. i know this is our fate... but i seriously dun lyk..... eventually when i wanna say something nice.. always cannot say out.. but keep saying things that are not nice..

i know he miss me alot... i know he care for me alot... i know he is always stubborn... i know he just need a little bit more love...

but well haix....... i dunno... but i guess i really need to see him bahx.. whenever he is not around i will feel insecure...

i hate tt feeling.. seriously....

ytd... me and deardear had a heart to heart talk...
finally i knw all the while how he felt and etc...
i also thrash out how i felt...
those sorrow and unhappiness during these 2yrs plus....
i told him i feel that i am nothing and etc......
we both tears.....
he ask for my forgiveness once again to give this rs...
a fresh start....
i dunno if i can but i agree to give a try.....
to see if he change.....
before i decided to leave or stay....
i wouldn't know wad will happen in future.....
i wouldn't know how long would the change last...
but i don't mind give a last try before i totally let go of this rs..........


things done can never be undone...
but can it be amend?
I wonder.............

hmm...
Its been 9days sincen dear fly for rockhampton...
1st 5days no contact
following days we had been contacting each other almost every single day...
today he is going out to outfield for 5days...
(hmmm bill come = GG)
well ytd we had a small tiff over the phone.. i was so angry that i just bye and hang up the phone...
1 min later i call back to see if he off his phone..
well.. he did...
so i just went to bed and totally telling myself going to ignore him not calling him anymore even if he come back from outfield...
but surprisingly i heard my phone ring..
i was like WOW?
who call can it be him?
when i actually saw that my caller ID put his number i am like v. suprise...
I answer : "What?"
He called and said : " Good night, Ai Ni, Byebye"
I was really shock...
i thought he called to quarrel or say break...
But well he didn't and he say something sweet..
his voice seems sad..
my heart melted really..
this morning he called me again...
i was like hmm...
wow...
I was like why?
Then he say just to tell me he no set off for out field le ^^
I was like well finally he become my piggie jie jie le ^^

my sweety pie :-* Muacks

5days le.. counting down... 17 days to go... omg... i miss him.. his words.. his smile his presence.... was lying on his mattress juz now.. smeeling his smell... lolx.... :shy:

haix.. really miss him worx.. why is 3 weeks not 2 week.. if 2 weeks nxt week can see him le... i miss him :"(

dunno w2ad wrong... today suddenly receive a call from army and the person started to ask a few question and info about don... isnt the army suppose to know? after my questioning den i know actually his dad call the army again...

but for?

honestly i got fucking no idea... tot they severe ties and deardear did told him tt forever he wont meet him le... but now is lyk ? o.o

he could have txt or sms dear directly rather than going a big big round and thus might cause him trouble... he nv even txt him and expect to get 1st hand information... this is kinda ridiculous =.=

since he lyk to get him in trouble not going to bother him well lyk the same he wouldnt too this is ridiculous =.=

its been 3days... since we last contact... till now receive no news.. but i wonder is it no reception or did he forgotten? I was worrying all the while so worry that he did not landed safely... Luckily his stuff told me that he had reach but couldn't be reach...

Lots told me australia they will be in desert... well kinda heartpain to heard this as he will be eating sands...

However, recently.... something weird happen... I no longer feel so uptight without him just as how i felt when he went india... I am ok without him around... life still goes on.. Only one thing that did not change is that I will keep calling him.. Hoping that he hp will on...

I think through alot of our rs... sometimes I thought we should actually breakup... why? I dunno...
Is lyk my rs is madeup of lies.. by you... yuen... candy... yr by yr different funny things appear...
when you are on your own.. i just wont be the only one bahx? have you ever thought why did i always feel insecure? have you ever go and reflect urself?

once after NS is history going to just repeat again and again?

you only left me in your world and yaq u said u already decide to marry me... Can I just ask... How long will your decision stay? How many lies do I have to live with? you know? sometimes I knew tt you lie.... only idiots will believe in ur words... but i just kp quiet and believe... u know i am no longer the 17 yrs old naive girl? who is so gullible who wont check and confirm whether is the news or etc reliable?

but can i ask? how long more must i be in this situation? i am tired but never once u notice... u know sometimes if u notice u are no longer the same le... u will no longer say sorry sorry wait a while i call u back u dun angry ok .. den will try ur best and call once every while.... however the other day to did tt to the gal... sometimes is not really wad happen that hurt me is how u treat the others....

i somehow lost the authority... and somehow u had forgotten tt why did i agree when u ask for my hand....... all promises had gone but i thought is ok... rs long le is lyk tt... i tot u wun be lyk the past bt hell no! u just nv treat me like the past... bt when another new gal come is just the same...

u didnt know those emails i saw then how hurting it was...

i am seriously tired and exhausted...

the past 2 months had trained me hard enough to withstand the world without u... some may find it a good news... well ya.. i dunnid to live only when there is LMD... but well did u know?
it mark the stage tt I had grown up... and my feeling for u is no longer tt strong... i always toguht i was just hurt and upset... but no... after we had been through so much the last incident still happen then may i know whr do i stand? content is no longer impt... wad happen is no longer impt... the only thng imptis whr exactly do i stand in ur heart?

same as then when u woo me? if so then shouldnt u change and treat me lyk how u had promise?
stress and life problem isnt the reason... they are just excuses.. there is nothing except u want or dun wan.. not u can or u cant...

sometimes i just wish to tell u my dear i am so tired... can we just end... bt i couldnt... as i do not want to hear u say yes... when this answer is out it just seems tt i am not impt... becox u nv hold me on... and i couldnt bear to do it or say it for real... becox u r no longer juz a bf to me... bt a part of my life... somehow seems lyk my entire life is only don don don.... bt well now longer juz u i will got to work study and play... bt it doesnt make me proud... becox it only tell me that girl u are really tired and exhuasted.. if things dont work out ur machine will just stop one day...

Being togther now am I just pushing myself into the grave yard? or happiness is waiting infront for me?

I dunno...

u know?

i love you

i miss you

but at the same time... i am hurt too

Well.. about 1 week back... my boi and I went to register with cangai wedding shop for couple photoshoot....

Last time went to bridal fair.. went to see alot of bridal shop display and their photoshoot. But i personally like cangai the most. Follow by juliet. For juliet I like their service. The boss was very nice. Wanted me to be their sample/model. She personally invite me to sit.
Give me discount and etc. However, I am not attracted to their picture and do not have enough cash at that time. However, that time cangai price package was too expensive. $3688 for wedding ones. And no discount and etc so I do not like their service...

happen to passby illuma on sunday and they are having roadshow there. So wanted to take alook at their package and personal portfolio. Was being invited to sit down by a photographer and a lady name julia if i am not wrong forgot le.. anyway.. the photographer and the lady find that I am photogenic and etc... Wanted me to be their sample.... their personal portfolio was $1288... but I wanted to take it with dear... a couple 1.. they say they lack of tt... and i am very "shang jing" so request for my sample and they give me the best price... at first I tot 2 pple will be more expensive then $1288... in the end she give me $888.. $400 off.. i straight blink... and wanted liao.. then she give me 2 clothes from them and dear is 1 set... however their pics is only 20... i find it too little.. so request for more.... they she say 100 for extra 5 lo... which is $20 for 1.. their extra pic is 70 bucks 1.. so i find it very worth it... then the photographer give my dear 1 more set....

so my package:

$988

25pics
1 table top
1 soft copy
2sets shop gown and suit
2 sets of own
accessories/makeup and hairdo ^^

paid an upfront deposit of $500 le...

Paying the rest during dec and when we go select gown ^^

Well it is our couple portfolio.. den if good i wan to have my own personal portfolio...

after that will be our pre-wedding shoot liao ^^

Oh ya... another happy thing is me and dear is flying to bangkok again!!!
2dec-6dec ^^5days 4nights...
teelala ^^

the last but not the least...

I PASS MY MODULES!!! ALL OK!!! WAHAHAH....

I thought I may fail sia.. so scared... but all pass ^^

1 more semester to go!!! before I official graduate ^^

well... very happy...

but haix... also got not happy thing...

currently my debts damm jialat...

$2940+230+115 = $3285

I go where find so much money sia :(

LET ME TIO TOTO OR 4D PLEASE :(